Notice: If you came to this page because you saw it in Sports NW Magazine, you can actually see all of my blogs… the recent ones… by clicking on the thing that says “More blogs from this member” above, or by going to fans.nhl.com/members/laur/blogs. I don’t know why, but they published the URL to this page only. Thanks y’all




This week I was in the midst of planning a “Throwback Game Night” party with some friends, who like me, are children of the 90’s. You know, the classics… Connect 4, Operation, Guess Who (now racially correct), Crossfire (You get caught up in the…), Hungry Hungry Hippos.. etc etc. Well all the throwbacks being tossed around got us thinking about the good old days. And eventually led me to thinking about that short-lived, candy-coated trend of Boy Bands during the glory days- I promise I’m getting somewhere with this… stay with me. Yes, Boy Bands… the Von Dutch meshback hats of the music industry. Not enough longevity to come back into style ever, EVER again (please), but just significant enough to make its mark on a generation. You remember them, Backstreet Boys, NSync, 98 Degrees, O-Town, LFO, ugh.. Hanson and even New Kids On The Block and Color Me Badd… if you want to go back a little further. Well in the year 2000, MTV aired this little made for TV movie called 2Gether, a fictional mock-umentary of sorts about the Boy Band scene… a pop culture buried treasure if you ask me. Boy Bands weren’t so much music as they were a concept (I mean, they didn’t even play instruments..) In the movie the band, 2Gether’s manager says this:


“There are five basic types in every successful boy band: your rebel, your badboy: one. Your shy bashful type: two. Your reassuring older brother type: three. Your little guy, your dewey-eyed youngster: four, and five: your heartthrob, the one that holds it all together. He’s the one with his eyes staring at you from the poster saying, ‘hold me, take care of me’”

It’s the truth; in every group there was someone to fit a role. So here’s where I got to thinking about another group of fellas that these five roles also apply to. Yep, a hockey team. Think about it, every team’s got their edgy badass, their puck-bunny magnet, their old guy, etc etc. To prove to you this concept, I took a look at a few NHL teams and pulled out the “five types” on each team. If NHL teams were Boy Bands they might look a little something like this…


Vancouver Canucks
The Bad Boy: Jeff Cowan. He makes red hair look scary. Him and Scut Farkas from Christmas Story.
The Shy One: Roberto Luongo.Yeah he’s a friendly dude, but he’s got that mystery thing going.
The Big Bro: Trevor Linden. I think Trev’s been a Canuck since before I was born.
The Cute Youngin: Taylor Pyatt. Are you kidding? Look at that guy. Those baby blues could melt the heart of a sociopath. He looks like he eats a bowl of rainbows for breakfast every morning.
The Heartthrob: Markus Naslund. Respect.


Pittsburgh Penguins
The Bad Boy: Georges Laraque. I give him mad props for rocking the cornrow dreads. Pretty menacing, with the helmet on he looks like Predator.
The Shy One: Evgeni Malkin. Mostly because he just doesn’t speak very good English…
The Big Bro: Daryl Sydor. He was a first round draft pick at one time. Now he’s a babysitter.
The Cute Youngin: Marc-Andre Fleury. He looks like Beaver Cleaver. He probably starts his sentences with “gee”, and gets the occasional good natured scoldin’ from June and Ward for his shenanigans.
The Heartthrob: Sid the Kid. Who didn’t see that one coming? I think he’s the official heartthrob for the entire NHL. The Justin Timberlake of hockey. Watch out for that solo career.


Toronto Maple Leafs
The Bad Boy: Darcy Tucker, duh.
The Shy One: Andrew Raycroft. I wouldn’t say anything if I were him either…
The Big Bro: Mats Sundin. The ultimate older brother type.
The Cute Youngin: Kyle Wellwood. Have you ever even seen this guy with facial hair? You little doe-eyed powerplay magician you.
The Heartthrob: Tomas Kaberle. He’s our All Star, and find me one person who doesn’t like Kabby.


San Jose Sharks
The Bad Boy: Mike Grier. He’s from Detroit, all the hard noses come from Detroit. Plus that bleach haired Blink 182 lookin’ dude isn’t there anymore. Mark Smith was his name? I would have picked him based solely on aesthetics.
The Shy One: Devin Setoguchi. If he actually had the chance to play once in a while, we’d know him a little better.. Is my bitterness that obvious?
The Big Bro: Patrick Marleau. He even looks like he’d be someone’s older brother. Like you’d play a round of golf and smoke a cigar with him, even if you hated golf and cigars.
The Cute Youngin: Torrey Mitchell. Even the commentators talk about what “a fine looking kid” he is.
The Heartthrob: Joe Thornton. Even men have crushes on Big Joe…. Especially men have crushes on Big Joe.


Detroit Red Wings
The Bad Boy: Aaron Downey. He’s played like half the games and has twice the PMs, just keep doing your job bro.
The Shy One: Brad Stuart. I’m sure you’re a cool dude Brad, but you’ve played on like 5 teams in the past 2 seasons. You’re like the kid in school whose dad is in the military and no one wants to make friends with him because they know he’ll be gone before the end of the school year. Awww.
The Big Bro: Can I say all of them? Heh heh. Chris Chelios, Van Wilder called, he thinks it’s time for you to graduate.
The Cute Youngin: Can I say none of them? Okay Kyle Quincey… because you’re the youngest on the team, it’s all you bud.
The Heartthrob: Niklas Lidstrom. He’s like THE defenseman, without fail.


New York Rangers
The Bad Boy: Sean Avery. He don’t like nobody… don’t nobody like him.
The Shy One: Ryan Hollweg. Chris Simon won’t let him get a word in edgewise.
The Big Bro: Brendan Shanahan. His kids must be my age.
The Cute Youngin: Brandon Dubinsky. Even though you were a Portland Winterhawk..
The Heartthrob: Henrik Lundqvist. You know what I always say, never trust a hockey player that looks like a male model.


Tampa Bay Lightning
The Bad Boy: Shane O’Brien. You’re a B.A. and we like you. You can stay. Plus you’re initials are S.O.B. which makes you even more shifty.
The Shy One: Brad Richards. You know I haven’t heard anything from him in a while, Tampa… Jay-kay, that was a mean joke, I’m sorry.
The Big Bro: Timothy Taylor. And I’m putting him here for the sole reason that he is “out with hip surgery”.
The Cute Youngin: Paul Ranger. Okay I’d never heard of this guy before, but IMO I don’t think hockey players should be allowed to be that good looking… It’s making me feel creepy.
The Heartthrob: Vincent Lacavalier. Completely overshadowed by Sid the Kid. If Sid is the Justin Timberlake of hockey, Vinny is the Nick Carter. Minus the DUIs. Knock on wood.


Calgary Flames
The Bad Boy: Dion Phaneuf. He’s a smart ass and a sh_t shaker. You hate him because he’s not on your team.
The Shy One: Mikka Kipprusoff. A man of few words, i.e. the typical goalie type.
The Big Bro: Craig Conroy. Craig just seems like the nicest, most friendliest guy in the world. Like your cool uncle that would buy you beer and tell you to watch out for girls with lower back tattoos.
The Cute Youngin: Dustin Boyd. Am I ever a sucker for a good curly fro. He probably gets tired of being patted on the head.
The Heartthrob: Jarome Iginla. Swoon.




Welp that’s about all I have the patience for. Oh and don’t anyone go and get offended, it was all in good fun. Feel free to create a Boy Band from your team and add it to the list. You know every team’s got ‘em.


Now go hear yourself some Backstreet Boys, I know you’ve been waiting for the download of “Larger Than Life” to complete while reading this blog. Rock it out.




This blog is dedicated to my Uncle Mark, a big Sharks fan, whose birthday is today. Happy Birthday Uncle Mark!


Here’s a little reference for you, from the movie 2Gether: