End of the year Party

I just finished watching the Dallas Stars dish out a second shlacking in the 2nd game of Duck Hunt, and I couldn’t help but notice how the big tough Ducks of last year were blatently losing their composure to the cool and confident Stars. I am lucky enough to play hockey with a buddy of mine who has several season tickets, and I have seen the Ducks play about 8 or 9 times this year. The team I have watched all season is not the team I saw tonight.

Normally the Ducks exhibit tape to tape passing, a supreme domination in the offensive zone with a system of cycling that looks effortlessly efficient. Tonight they looked like a drunken jock who has lost all of his friends at a party and offends everyone to the point of being thrown out on his arse.

Now I am not going to call them a squad of goons, but they are a tough, hard hitting team. They play “old time” hockey with a mix of skill and ego that makes them, I believe, one of the most balanced teams in the NHL. But the hits they were giving tonight looked offensive, more like an extensive array of cheap shots, rather than legal checks. I know the strategy is to hit the opposing players to make them hesitate, and who knows, maybe in the long run it might pay off.

But I seriously doubt it. Playing opposite the Duck’s aforementioned characteristic of drunken jock, were the cool and confident Stars, who accepted multiple insults before deciding enough was enough and it is time to move on. Seriously, the Stars looked like the guy who isn’t super popular, but everyone likes him, kinda guy. And he is just taking care of the big bad Ducks, the person everyone knows would win 9 out of 10 in normal circumstances. But these aren’t normal circumstances. These are the playoffs. This is the special invite only party. And so I decided to relate this years playoff teams to stereotypes at your average college party.

Eastern Conference:

Montreal is the president of the oldest and most popular fraternity on campus. The fraternity was suspended for a while and looked down upon by the school and hippies, but they have extensive pictures of alumni who have gone on to great things. And this president is now sort of one of the big men on campus. When he goes to a party, extra girls show up. Men (in his fraternity) want to be him. Women (in sororities) want to be with him. Everyone else not in the greek system doesn’t really care about him, but they recognize him on campus.

Boston is your average kid at this party. He drinks 3-5 beers, but doesn’t get wasted. He’ll take a girl home with him, but won’t go all the way. He is a straight B student, but at the end of the semester he falls down and hurts himself, and his grades start to suffer. He’s at the party because he was really popular his freshmen year, went into obscurity his sophmore and junior year, and now is returning to say hi before leaving.

Philadelphia is at the party looking to get into fights. He will drink a lot of beer and call you a wussy for not finishing yours. He will pour beer on a freshmen’s head. Chances are good he will punch some kid in front of the kid’s 5 frat brothers and the cops will have to arrive to break it up.

Washington is the kid who is just happy to be there and he’ll be darned if he doesn’t have a great time. If this was the movie Can’t Hardly Wait, he’d be that nerdy guy who becomes the life of the party while trying to sabotage (steal the show) Mr Popular (see Penguins). Will likely scream “I can’t feel my legs!” and get everyone in the room to jump up and down after singing an ACDC song.

New Jersey is the academic nerd who has aced every test he ever took. When confronted with a problem, Jersey will figure the best way to simplify and defeat it. New Jersey never gambles, and never gets drunk. He also rarely has fun. New Jersey will graduate to become a CEO of a large firm that capitolizes on people suing each other for failing to admit their own accountability.

The Rangers are the kid who tries too hard to impress and always seem to get onto a fad a week after it’s hit its peak. He wears cargo pants when everyone else wears blue jeans, and still wears his hat backwords. He will also tell you Stone Temple Pilots and Pearl Jam were the greatest bands ever, even though he just started listening to them yesterday.

Pittsburgh is Mr Popular. He is the superstar. He will party his butt off at this party, wake up late for the test the next morning and still ace it. Mothers encourage their daughters to date him. He has everything figured out.

Ottawa is the ex playboy who now has to beg girls at the party to go out with him. He also has a fake Spanish and French accent.

Western Conference

Detroit is the guy who should have graduated 3 years ago, but hangs around and is still admired by all the kids younger than him. He uses phrases like “back in the day”, works an hourly job, but still scores at the party. He is also surrounded by freshmen girls who never knew how big of a loser he was his freshmen year (8 years ago).

Nashville is in the corner wondering why they aren’t playing any country on the stereo.

Dallas is cool and confident. He doesn’t have the prettiest face, the largest wallet, the nicest car, but he is friends with everyone at the party who know him to be a nice guy. Nobody expects him to be anything more than average, but he has a hot girlfriend.

Anaheim is the arrogent homecoming King from last year. He cuts the line to the keg. He is a chain smoker who never buys his own pack. He is a more popular version of Philadelphia. They hang out together in the weight room. On weekends.

San Jose is an engineer who everyone expects to make millions after he graduates. He is a smart kid, who works at a convenient store when not at school.

Calgary is the semi crazy kid who is not afraid to try anything. He has this “look at me” persona and will do anything on a whim or a dare. He will fight the biggest kid at the party and win, and then hurt himself jumping off the roof later. He isn’t feared, but people are leery of him.

Colorado is actually a group of friends who hung out all the time together their freshmen year, and then parted ways, some going to other schools, others changing majors, or finding different cliques. They have reunited for this party, and make false promises of “Dude we should totally get together and do this next summer”.

Minnesota came to get drunk.