What Can I Say?

Monday April 21, 2008 @ 09:28 AM EDT

Kevin is perhaps best known for his movies Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Mallrats, Dogma, and Clerks. He also played “Warlock” in last summer’s action hit, Live Free or Die Hard. An avid hockey fan, Kevin references hockey in all his films. Born and raised in New Jersey, Kevin will be analyzing his home-state Devils throughout the Stanley Cup Playoffs.


Well, it’s Sunday. And in a perfect world, I’d be watching the Devils struggling to tie up the series at 3-3 so I could catch a plane east for Game Seven at the Rock. Instead, I’m trying to figure out whether to watch “Day of the Dead” or “The Cutting Edge.” Either would be poetically fitting.


What can I say? The better team won.


But it was close in those last two games. Indeed, in Game Five, the Devils came back from a 4-1 deficit to almost tie it up in the third. But when all’s said and done, there can only be one winner, and this year (well, this round, really), it’s the Rangers. Congrats to the Blueshirts; you’ve got a helluva goalie and some great young guns.


Devils’ Legionnaires, I implore you to take those guns out of your mouths and let these positives from the 07-08 season warm your heart ‘til the fall…


- We spent a great deal of this season at the top of our division, and for a brief time, we were the top of the conference, too.


- This was our third straight year making it into the playoffs. No, wait – that’s the Rangers; this was Jersey’s eleventh straight year (not counting the lockout) making a playoff appearance. And while we won’t be moving forward, take comfort in knowing that the Rangers will be joining our boys on the golf course soon enough (where Marty Brodeur probably still won’t shake Sean Avery’s hand).


- We finally have a nice, new rink in a city that’s really convenient to train to (and suddenly not so terrifying either). Granted, it would appear we’re splitting custody of said arena with the Rangers, but still – the parking’s more convenient.


- We won’t be holding a Cup aloft this year, but that’s okay; let someone else have a turn. Four Cups in thirteen years might’ve been a little too greedy.


In the interest of saving Rangers’ fans some time so they can psychologically prepare for either the Pens or the Flyers, I will provide the standard negative response to any reminder of the Devils’ Cups collection.


Rangers Fan: “Hey, you fat % %! Three Cups was then; we live in the now. If you wanna visit the past so badly, you’ve got your nose up the wrong Marty’s a$$; you need Marty McFly and his flying DeLorean. P.S. – Jersey Girl sucked!”


Perhaps they’re right; about “Jersey Girl” sucking, mind you – but not about enjoying the past. I guess it’s just harder to appreciate the past when it’s a much farther trip back in time for Rangers fans to do the same. Tell you what: when I’m done visiting 2003 in the DeLorean, I’ll make sure there’s enough plutonium still left in the tank so that any Rangers fan can take it for a spin, too. I’ll also leave a flannel shirt on the back seat so they can dress appropriately for their trip back to ’94 to revisit the last time their boys saw the Cup in anything but a photograph (and if they wanna check out “Clerks” in a theater while they’re there, I’d be much obliged). But the next round of plutonium they’re gonna have to spring for themselves, if they wanna skip even further back in time to their boys’ pre-’94 taste of the Cup: good ‘ol 1940. Maybe when they’re done watching that series, they can pop over to Germany and kill Hitler while they’re at it.


I kid – well, not really; I think the only way Devils’ fans will ever be able to stomach Rangers’ fans would be if they were to accomplish that time-traveling Hitler assassination. ‘til then, the pointless bad blood will still pulse through the veins of every tri-state hockey buff as they cheer on a pair of truly great metro area NHL teams.


Naturally, I’m talking about the Devils and the Islanders.


One parting thought – and this is directed at the women-folk who love, support and sleep with a Rangers fan…


Many a Rangers fan will dismissively refer to the Devils as “the Debbies”, even going so far as calling Marty Brodeur “Martha.” This casual misogyny should concern every lady who loves a Blueshirt-lover – as what’s really being said is this: in an effort to diminish a team they despise, some Rangers’ fans’ idea of an insult is to call the Devils women. It’s as if the worst slander they can imagine is equating the black and red with the distaff.


Ladies, I don’t know about you, but I (and every Devils fan) find that notion repugnant beyond words… and worthy of reprisal. Might I suggest withholding sex? In an effort to curb this rampant hate-speech, I’d say you could threaten your men with no coitus ‘til the Rangers take home another Stanley Cup, but we don’t want a “Children of Men” thing going on in Manhattan; no nookie ‘til next season should suffice.


And should the nookie-strike prove too taxing and you find yourself pining for the touch of men – real men, who respect women – pop on over to Jersey. There are a bunch of guys just a few miles away who won’t be plastered to their televisions for the next week and I’ll be more than happy to show a playoff-widow a great time.

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